Jokes

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

When lady say no, she mean maybe, When lady say maybe, she mean yes, When lady say yes--she no lady!

Top Ten THINGS CASTRO SAID TO ELIAN upon his return to Cuba!

11. "Damn! You did it! Here's the $50 I bet you."

10. "You wouldn't happen to have your crazy aunt's phone number, would you? She's muy caliente!"

9. "Did you have a good time in America? Yes? Good! Now back to work!"

8. "Did they force you to bleach?"

7. "Sorry you had to leave behind all those Hotwheels and Star Wars action figures… Here's a stick - go crazy!"

6. "So, tell me… how do their brainwashing techniques compare to ours?"

5. "I thought I would never again get the chance to say hello to my little friend!"

4. "What is the deal with that fisherman guy?"

3. "Maybe we don't have no Disney World, but in Havana, you can ride a 1957 DeSoto, with original paint and parts!"

2. "The whores are waaay hotter here, dude!"

1. "Got any Marlboros?"

ELEVEN OTHER WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR LOVER!

11. Tie her up and throw her in the lake, Jake.

10. Drive a steak through her heart, Bart.

9. Push her onto the subway tracks, Max.

8. Cut the breaks on her bike, Mike.

7. Throw her off a cliff, Biff.

6. Run her over with a tank, Frank.

5. Lock her in the basement and let her starve, Marv.

4. Choke her with your nob, Bob.

3. Feed her some tainted pork, Mork.

2. Push her down the steps, Shep.

1. Disembowel her with a spatula, Dracula.

TOP TEN ALL-NEW LEAST EFFECTIVE PICK-UP LINES FOR MEN!

11. "Hey there doll-face, I just got out of prison and screwing a chick sure would be a nice change of pace! Interested?"

10. "I've got kidney stones… think you could help me by sucking them out?"

9. "Cool! I can smell your cunt from here!"

8. "Care to come to my dank, scary basement apartment in the middle of the worst neighborhood in town and peruse my extensive collection of shrunken human heads and pickled fetuses?"

7. "You're just as beautiful in person as you are in that porno you starred in!"

6. "You've got pretty big tits for a Chinese girl!"

5. "I'll fuck you so hard, all your female ancestors will be having multiple orgasms in their cold, dark graves!"

4. "Hey! Wanna find out what pus tastes like?"

3. "Hey, baby, you, me and my sister makes three!"

2. "Wanna come over to my place and help me find out if my penile re-attachment surgery was a success?"

1. "You're so fuckin' beautiful, I'd suck your father's cock… and swallow!"

TOP TEN ALL-NEW LEAST EFFECTIVE PICK-UP LINES FOR WOMEN!

11. "Hey! Can you smell my cunt from there?"

10. "Let's french, and if you can guess which guy in this bar I just sucked off, I'll buy you a drink!"

9. "Come back to my place and I'll let you shave me. My back's getting a little stubbly."

8. "My name is Bobbit. Lorena Bobbit."

7. "Hey baby! You, me and my split personality makes 3!"

6. "I'm sure my dog Randy would love to meet you. You can compare penis sizes!"

5. "I keep a collection of penises in jars from guys who follow me home. Wanna come see?"

4. "I can tell a big manly fellow like yourself wouldn't be threatened by my little 'ol fist up his ass."

3. "I'll let you help me clean my dildo collection, but you're gonna have to bring your own steel wool and Comet!"

2. "Yeah, I've got herpes… but all your friends fucked me, so whadaya say?"

1. "I like to smear poo all over my body."

TOP TEN WAYS TO AMUSE YOURSELF IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM!

11. Inquire as to whether your stall-mates feces are sinkers or floaters.

10. Stick your open palm under the stall and say: "Got any cigarettes?"

9. Any time the guy in the stall next to you makes a fart noise, applaud and laugh like a mongoloid.

8. Drop a marble and say: "My glass eye!"

7. Fill a large squeeze bottle with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl. Sigh loudly.

5. Say, "Damn, this water is cold!"

4. Spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall. Then say: "Uh-oh… Hey buddy… wouldja mind passing that back over to me?"

3. Take a camera into the washroom and wait until someone exits a stall. Quickly enter that stall, take a few pictures, and run!

2. Grunt and strain for 30 seconds, then throw a wet gerbil onto the floor into your neighbor's stall. Yell: "Squeeky! Come back!"

1. Stand up on the seat and aim your pee-stream between your feet. Anybody entering the washroom will think they're watching the tallest man in the world take a leak!

TOP TEN THINGS TO DO WITH DEAD PEOPLE'S LARGE INTESTINES!

11. Eat them.

10. Use them as gigantic jump ropes.

9. Attach tin cans to both ends. Children can then use them as toy telephones.

8. Make a giant slingshot, then bombard the ghetto with watermelons.

7. Use them to hang yourself from the Golden Gate Bridge.

6. Hide your weed in them.

5. Attach them to taps and use them as garden hoses.

4. Roll them around your head and wear them as turbans.

3. Use them as condoms.

2. Anorexic women can wear them as leg-warmers.

1. Sew them to your navel and re-attach yourself to your mother.

TOP TEN WORST EXHIBITS AT PLANET HOLLYWOOD!

11. John Wayne's colostomy bag, still full of petrified turds!

10. boxer-briefs once worn by Mickey Rourke!

9. the steering wheel from Lady Di's death-car!

8. Jimmy Stewart's cock-ring collection!

7. a lock of hair from the horse that threw Christopher Reeve!

6. a crate-load of "body thetans" extracted from L. Ron Travolta!

5. the bloody tampon from Shirley Temple's first period!

4. Abe Vigoda's death certificate!

3. William Shatner's toupee and girdle!

2. one of Marilyn Monroe's aborted fetuses in a pickle jar! (ya never know… it could be a Kennedy!)

1. a pint of Rock Hudson's blood!

TOP TEN WAYS TO AVOID BEING RAPED in JAIL!

11. First and foremost: Don't ever drop the soap!

10. If possible, plan ahead. Eat your Wheaties and work out like crazy BEFORE you go to jail!

9. Keep your lips dry and chapped, so no one can accuse you of having "a purdy mouth."

8. In the yard, while everyone is watching, practice crushing steel bolts with your anus.

7. If asked, always respond: "I don't actually have AIDS, itself, per se..."

6. Cram your rectum full of broken bottles, used syringes and razor blades.

5. Say: "Sorry. No boom-boom with soul brother. Too beaucoup!"

4. In an open, public place, casually pop out one of your eyeballs and swallow it whole!

3. Throw a handfull of cigarettes in the air and yell, "Free smokes!"

2. Look your attacker square in the eye and say: "You got it all wrong, man… I dig chicks!"

1. Four words: Shank to the throat.

Trivia from the desk of our Science Guy

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

The answer is at the bottom of the page.

SEE NO EVIL

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent which is being renovated,
and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even
a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door
of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other, shrug, and decide that no harm can come
from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door, and the man enters
and says "Nice boobs ladies.. where do you want these blinds?"

HARD TEACHER

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final
exam.
He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire
medical condition or an immediate family member's death.

One smart ass male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and
the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said,
"No excuse. You can write with your other hand."

WHO NEEDS A DOCTOR?

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong
and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...
a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the
drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and
asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began
wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and
masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits
ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer
prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

THE NUTTY PROFESSOR

One day a college professor was greeting his new students.
He stood up in front of the class and asked if anyone in the
class was a moron, and if they were, they should stand up.
After a minute a young man stood up.
The professor then asked if he actually thought he was a moron.
The young man replied,
'No, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself'

IRON MAN

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man
bought his wife a $250.00 see-through nightgown. Later that night she
was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the
box downstairs. Walking naked through the house she passed her husband who said,
"My word, for $250.00 they could've at least ironed it!"

A FLY IN THE OINTMENT

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman was waiting
for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching
tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn
to get on the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step. So slightly embarrassed
and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped
her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her
leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover she still could
not make the step. So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind
her and unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she attempted
the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because
of the tight skirt. So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped
the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the
step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up
easily
from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went
ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, screeching at him
"How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!!"
At this the Texan drawled "
Well ma'am, normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three
times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

NEWS FLASH! Computers must be female!
The facts have been compiled and you be the judge...

a.) As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.

b.) No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

c.) Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future
reference.

d.) The language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to
everyone else.

e.) The message, "Bad command or filename," has replaced the dreaded "If you
don't
know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

If those don't convince you here is one more ...

f.) As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your
paycheck on accessories for it.

Time for a quickie

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts
him to sleep first.

Never Lie To Your Mother

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal,
his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate
was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John
and his roommate and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate
than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know
what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:

"Dear Mother,
I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not
saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one
has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

"Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that
you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was
sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love,
Mom

Lesson of the Day - Don't lie to your Mother.

Answer to todays question
Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mom.

What you were not expecting a serious answer were you?